advice columns

1) Response from Mr. Gob'Wuxbux
Dear J.M. -
     I know that you said that you did not want my advice, but please hear me out because I think I have a good explanation for why you are having these problems. The reason that the cute guys are not asking you out is because you are a cunt.
 - Gob'Wuxbux

Mr. Gob'Wuxbux,
Goblin ,
Male,
Online Journalist for
New Orker Magazine

advice columns rpg games
advice columns with orks

Prof. Pizpoploop
Ridgeling,
Male,  
Alchemy professor at New Ork University

Sgt. Groptoph,
Ogre ,
Male,
Sergeant in the Orc Imperial Army

#11) Ask Da Orcs

Dear ADO,
     I'm a 16 year old human female with a problem - It seems like the only guys who ask me out are jerks and losers. For example, there is a cute guy in my English class who I like a lot. But ether he's too shy to talk to me or he is not interested. Meanwhile, In that same class, there is an obnoxious tard who keeps asking me out every few days - I keep telling him that I'm busy, but he keeps asking me out anyway. OMG! Some guys can't take a F-ing hint! How do I attract the cute guys and repel the losers at the same time????
   Sincerely,
'Jerk Magnet'

P.S. - I'd like my questions to be answered by the two girl orcs only please (Shaftfut and Gunkatuk). The four male orcs always seem to give bad advice. Gob'Wuxbux and Gix are always gross and mean. Pizpoploop is a snooty know-it-all. And Groptoph is just plain crazy.

2) Response from Sgt. Groptoph

Ya hert mi fealings!!! AAAaaaaarrrrrRRRGGGHHH!!!!! ............ 'Sniff'.......

4) Response from Prof. Pizpoploop

Dear "Jerk Magnet": 
     Earlier today I was given a print out of your email. My first instinct was to wad it up and throw it in the trash. But the first half was so ignorant and the last half was so insulting - that I felt a grander gesture was required. So I built a crude representation of you out of old cloths stuffed with straw and a small empty gourd that served as its head. I then nailed this representation of you to a dead tree, placed your letter inside one of its pockets, set it on fire, threw rocks at it as it burned and finally put the fire out with urine.
      Sincerely,
Prof. Pizpoploop

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Gix,
Gremlin,
Hermaphrodite, 
Freelance Artist

3) Response from Gix:

Gix (the three word Gremlin) says...

I'm... Not.... Male...

Ms. Shaftfut
Hobgoblin , Female, Cartographer

6) Response from Ms. Shaftfut
Dear Jerk Magnet:
      Firstly.... In regards to "jerks and losers": When a guy, who you don't like, asks you out - TELL him that you don't want to go out with him. The reason that the "obnoxious tard" in your English class keeps asking you out, is because you keep telling him your "busy". "Busy" is not the same as "no". Some guys can't take a hint. So stop hinting. You need to say something like "I find it flattering that you are asking me out, but I'm just not interested."
      Secondly.... In regards to "cute guys": You need to stop being such a pussy! Get off your ass, walk over to the cute guys and start talking to them. If they seem nice, then ask them out! I realize that the possibility of rejection is intimidating. But guess what? That's what you are expecting the guys to do! So stop being a hypocrite and go talk to that cute guy in your English class.
- Shaftfut

advice column

Ms. Gunkatuk,
Half-Orc (half-human),
Female,
R.N. at Goblinville Medical Center

5) Response from Gunkatuk

Dear "Jerk Magnet" -
     If they don't like you, then they are 'tards'. Actually the guys that are obnoxious are really interested in you. Give them a year, maybe they will mature. It takes boys longer to mature then girls.
- Gunkatuk

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