4) Response from Prof. Pizpoploop:
Dear "Losing Serenity":
You wrote:
"...
he
(your husband)
just doesn't know how to express his displeasure without being a total prick about it.
"
That is a BIG personality flaw that I highly recommend the two of you fix before you have children.
Yours Truly,
Prof. Pizpoploop
Sgt. Groptoph,
Ogre
,
Male,
Sergeant in the Orc Imperial Army
Ms. Gunkatuk,
Half-Orc
(half-human),
Female,
R.N. at Goblinville Medical Center
Ms. Shaftfut
Hobgoblin
, Female,
Cartographer
#12) Ask Da Orcs
Dear Orcs,
I am a human female with a marital problem. I am 22, a recovering alcholic with 2.5 years sobriety, and a covert to Islam. My husband is 39, born Muslim from Algeria, and on the strict side when it comes to marriage.
Here is my problem: My husband stopped by the AA (alcholics anonymous) Club last night and found me playing Scrabble with my dear friend Susan and two other males. He had never visited before, as he is not comfortable going there. He was very nice and polite to my friends. Later that night, when I came home, he refused to speak to me. It has been two days and he is very cold and won't speak to me. I need fellowship and friends in AA, or else my sobriety might suffer (then I won't have anything if that should happen) - regardless of their sex. This is America, it is acceptable to play Scrabble with members of the opposite sex as long as your intentions are clear. I am a very honorable human who has zero ability to be dishonorable to her husband. I am sad that he feels angry about this. I feel that I need to defend myself, but I have done nothing wrong. What to do, dear Orcs?
Sincerely,
Losing Serenity
We wrote back to "Losing Serenity" and asked a few questions...
1) In your email you wrote:
"Later that night, when I came home, he refused to speak to me. It has been two days and he is very cold and won't speak to me."
If he is not speaking to you - how can you be sure his silence has something to do with your AA Scrabble game?
The morning after the game was a day that my husband never works (Friday). When he got up and started to get dressed, I asked him where he was going. "To work", he replied gruffly. I begged him to tell me why, what is wrong; he then had an outburst, of which I was told the source of his anger. After that short argument, I have tried to initiate conversations but to no avail. This is typical for my husband - after a couple of days of not speaking, he is better suited to come to a resolution.
2) How did he act when he saw you and the other people playing Scrabble together?
Very suave, polite, gracious. All smiles and honey.
3) Did he ever tell you why he stopped by the AA Club that night?
He was always invited to visit the Club. I had called him a few hours before and told him, "Susan and I are leaving the restaurant and going back to the Club. Stop by sometime, hmm?" It was said jokingly, yes, but I always love for him to meet my friends.
4) Have you and your husband ever had a problem like this before?
Not like this, no. However, he has reacted this way to nearly every problem (be it minor or major) since the day we were together.
5) You wrote:
"He had never visited before, as he is not comfortable going there."
Why is he not comfortable going there?
My husband is very sensitive to other human beings; when he sees a whole roomful of people, varying in age, who are recovering from the clutches of a killer addiction, he feels sad. Until he met me, he had zero knowledge of addiction/alcoholism and he still struggles to understand it.
6) How did the two of you meet and how long have you been married?
He used to own a store in my neighborhood. I must have walked past it a thousand times; one day, he came outside, smiled and said, "hello". We hit it off immediately. We were married November 23, 2004, just eight months after moving in with each other.
7) What kind of Muslim are you and your husband? Conservative, Orthodox, Liberal, etc?
We are Sunni Muslims. My husband is very by-the-book, but I am taking it one step at a time.
8) What restrictions does your faith place on you and your husband? For example, are you permitted to drink alcohol? Are there restrictions on what you can eat or how you can dress?
Alcohol is strictly forbidden to Muslims. That is why my husband is so puzzled with AA in general, he has never drank in his life nor does he know anyone else who has (aside from me). And yes, I do wear the headscarf (or "hijab"), and my husband wears the traditional long robe (or "dishdash"). We do not eat pork.
9) What restrictions (if any) are placed on you because you are a woman? For example, does your faith restrict who you are allowed to socialize with.
Neither my husband or me are allowed to freely socialize with members of the opposite sex. During work, school, or for business purposes, that is allowed - but in order to protect us from incidents of adultery/fornication, the Qur'an demands that no one be flirtatious or overly social with their counterparts. This is especially true in a marriage.
10) How long have you been a Muslim? What was your religion before converting to Islam? What were your reasons for converting?
When I was still drinking, and for nearly one year afterwards, I was "spiritually bankrupt". I had a vague idea of who God was, but I was horribly angry with Him. My husband and I often had spiritual debates and arguments. One day, I went out and borrowed some library books on religion. I studied Scientology, Hinduism, Taoism, Judeaism, Chistianity - the only one that answered all of my questions was Islam. I had been raised Catholic, and I (even in childhood) could never understand the concept of a trinity, or just WHY some things happened the way they happened. Islam provided me with a sense of security, of comfort - if I believe in Islam, I have a Higher Power and I'm never alone! I can ask for help, I can know in the bottom of my heart that everything happens for a reason.
11) Do you plan on having children?
Not until I get my bachelor's degree - after that, we can think about it.
12) Has your husband ever hit you or threatened you with bodily harm?
Never. Not once. He is a very gentle human being, he just doesn't know how to express his displeasure without being a total prick about it.
3) Response from Gunkatuk:
Dear "Losing Serenity" -
He doesn't sound like a very open minded person. Could you show him the email you sent us or have him read this page? Maybe that would get him to talk. (It worked for "Willing and Running" fairly well.) Of course, there's always counseling.
- Gunkatuk
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Mr. Gob'Wuxbux,
Goblin,
Male,
Online Journalist for
New Orker Magazine
Play Orc
Magazine
5) Response from Mr. Gob'Wuxbux
Dear L.S. -
I don't blame your husband at all for being angery with you. You were not just playing Scrabble. You were playing Scrabble with men!!! And with two men at that! You are a filthy, filthy whore! Shame on you! Women like you make me want to puke! :)
- Gob'Wuxbux
Gix,
Gremlin,
Hermaphrodite,
Freelance Artist
4) Response from Prof. Pizpoploop:
Dear "Losing Serenity":
Why did you mentioned that your husband was Muslim? Most people who write to us don't bother to tell us their religions. So why did you? I think I might know why.
You knew that if we read your email, without knowing that your husband was Muslim, we would be outraged by his deplorable behavior. So you made sure to tell us that your husband was a Muslim as a way of explaining his behavior. It's as if you were telling us "Sure, my husband is a controlling, irrational jerk who doesn't trust me - but he is a Muslim - so that makes it OK." That is hogwash! Being Muslim does not give your husband the right to be a controlling, irrational jerk! It's men like him that give Muslims a bad name.
Getting back to your problem... You wrote:
"I feel that I need to defend myself, but I have done nothing wrong."
"Wrong" is in the eye of the beholder, LS. "Normal" men don't freak-out over their wives playing scrabble with two men and another woman in a public place. But you did not marry a "normal" man - did you? You married a controlling, irrational jerk. In HIS eyes what you did was wrong. It does not matter what WE think, it does not matter what "normal" people think, and (sadly) it does not even matter what YOU think. If your controlling, irrational husband thinks something you did was wrong - then it was.
By the way - I feel that I need to point out that, as a woman, you are NOT your husband's equal. You never will be. If you wanted equality - then you should NOT have married a controlling, irrational jerk. But I can hear you now saying "But it's not like that! We are BOTH restricted in regards to whom we can socialize." Oh really? Well, lets reverse the roles. Lets say you decided to surprise your husband at where ever he goes to have fun. Let say that when you got there he was (gasp) playing Scrabble with two women and another man! Lets say that you then reacted in the same way that your husband is acting now... What would your husband's response be? Would he:
A) Admit that what he did was wrong and ask for your forgiveness.
B) Insist that he did nothing wrong, accuse you of spying on him and generally behave like an ass.
I'd bet anything that the correct answer is "B". So why is it OK for him to do it and not you? Because you are a woman. You are not his equal. You never will be. You need to decide if that is something you can live with for the next 40 or 50 years?
Sincerely,
- Prof. Pizpoploop
6) Response from Ms. Shaftfut
Dear "Losing Serenity":
Firstly... Lets dispense with all the religious talk. It just clouds the real issue which is that your husband is a controlling, non-commutative, untrusting, prick. (By the way, I'm not simply name-calling when I say your husband is a "controlling, non-commutative, untrusting, prick". He is trying to control you. He refuses to communicate with you. He obviously doesn't trust you. And, as you said yourself,
"...he just doesn't know how to express his displeasure without being a total prick about it."
. So I think it's fair to say that your husband is a "controlling, non-commutative, untrusting, prick".)
Secondly ...
As I see it, you have the following three options:
1) Become the "perfect" wife. Admit to your husband that what you did was wrong, beg (literally) for his forgiveness, and promise to never socialize with adult men without your husband in the room.
Likely result: Your husband will be happy (or at least happier).
Unlikely result: Your husband will realize what a prick he has been, ask you for forgiveness and be less strict in the future.
2) Be yourself. Tell your husband that you think he over reacted. Inform him that you are a trustworthy adult. And remind him that in America it is acceptable to play Scrabble with members of the opposite sex as long as your intentions are clear.
Likely result: Your husband will do what he always does... He will have an angery outburst, stomp out of the room like a child and not talk to you for a couple days. Your problems will never be resolved and your marriage will become increasingly unbearable.
Unlikely result: Your husband will realize what a prick he has been, ask you for forgiveness and be less strict in the future.
3) Stop being a fucking pussy! Tell your husband that he needs to grow the fuck up! Tell him you are his equal and demand that he start treating you as such! Tell him that ether he stops being a controlling, non-commutative, untrusting, prick - or you want a divorce!
Likely result: An angery, venomous outburst that will reveal how very little he respects you. If you manage to stay sober and NOT revert back to a fucking pussy - you will divorce him. A couple of years later you will meet a kind, commutative, trusting man your own age who loves you, treats you with respect and shares your world view.
Unlikely result: Your husband will realize what a prick he has been, ask you for forgiveness and be less strict in the future.
Make up your mind BEFORE you have children.
- Shaftfut
Prof. Pizpoploop
Ridgeling,
Male,
Alchemy professor at New Ork University
UPDATE:
We wrote back to "Losing Serenity" after we published our Orkie advice. Here is what we asked:
1) Please give us an update as to how things are going now between your husband and you.
Everything is going well these days. The night after I wrote to the Orcs, everything was resolved. Basically, I flipped out and snapped on him, and he was receptive.
2) How do you respond to Gix's advice?
Made me laugh.
3) How do you respond to Groptoph's advice?
I agree completely.
4) How do you respond to Gunkatuk's advice?
Hm, I could, but I don't think I'd want to. It's just something I needed to do for me.
5) How do you respond to Pizpoploop's advice?
Completely innacurate. I mentioned my husband's religion because there are very clear, very real culture differences between us. We simply we not raised in the same enviornment, and we have greatly different expectations of each other.
6) How do you respond to Gob'Wuxbux's advice?
Heh, cute.
7) How do you respond to Shaftfut's advice?
The toughest of the Orcs, no doubt, her response was more hurful than helpful. By namecalling and swearing, she managed not to give me advice, but make a personal attack on my spouse. No, I am not saying she was wrong or that her opinion is incorrect, I am saying that it was cruel.
8) Who's advice was the most helpful?
Groptoph's
9) Who's advice was the least helpful?
Shaftfut
10) Has your husband read it yet? Do you plan on showing it to him? (If your husband would like to send us a response too - we would love to read it.)
Yeah, no, I won't be sharing this with him. It was a personal exploration for me, and I'd like to keep it personal.
For the first time, we decided to let the Orcs reply to the reply:
Sgt. Groptoph,
Ogre
,
Male,
Sergeant in the Orc Imperial Army
Gix,
Gremlin,
Hermaphrodite,
Freelance Artist
1)
Response from Gix:
Gix (the three word Gremlin) says...
Me... Is... Funny...
Ms. Gunkatuk,
Half-Orc
(half-human),
Female,
R.N. at Goblinville Medical Center
3) Response from Gunkatuk:
Dear "Losing Serenity" -
Perhaps it is just as well that you didn't show this page to your husband. It might have upset him.
- Gunkatuk
Prof. Pizpoploop
Ridgeling,
Male,
Alchemy professor at New Ork University
Ms. Shaftfut
Hobgoblin
, Female,
Cartographer
Mr. Gob'Wuxbux,
Goblin,
Male,
Online Journalist for
New Orker Magazine
5) Response from Mr. Gob'Wuxbux
Dear L.S. -
Golly! You said I was cute. (blush) ...It's the scar, right? Chicks dig the scar!
So, you want to get together sometime and play Scabble? Your husband doesn't need to know. :)
- Gob'Wuxbux
6) Response from Ms. Shaftfut
Dear Losing Serenity:
Firstly... You wrote:
"I am not saying she was wrong or that her opinion is incorrect, I am saying that it was cruel."
Cruel?!? Hell, lady - I'm an Orc! If you wanted to be coddled - you should have asked advice from the fucking Wood-Elves!
Secondly ...
You wrote: "
Basically, I flipped out and snapped on him, and he was receptive.
". Well I'm glad to hear that you stood up for yourself. Good for you!
- Shaftfut
We decided to let "Losing Serenity" have the last word:
Hee hee, very cute! I really enjoyed this. You know... it was kind of therapeutic in a weird way. Who would think that disclosing my personal life
to fictional characters could actually be beneficial! Thank you for the help. Your advice inspired me to stop accepting my husband's bad behavior. If he can't deal with it, then I refuse to suffer or comply with his demands.
I'll be sure to tell all my friends about your entertaining website.
Thanks again, Orcs.
You?
2) Response from Sgt. Groptoph:
YYYYyyyyyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhHHHHHH!!!
Me Win! In ya face, Shaftfut!!!
AAAAaaaaaarrrrrrrRRRGGGHHH!!!!
2) Response from Sgt. Groptoph:
Iz "Scrabble" sum sortta sex game? If'n so - den play it wit yur husben a few times! He will fourgive ya den! Den smash up sum furniture! Dat makes men hot! AAAAaaaaaarrrrrRRGGHHHH!!!!
1) Response from Gix:
Gix (the three word Gremlin) says...
Irrational... Misogynistic... Jackass...
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