advice columns

1) Response from Mr. Gob'Wuxbux
Dear D.D. -
    Fortunately your wife is not yet in her third trimester - so chances are it is still legal, in most states, for her to have an abortion. That might seem a bit extreme, but it is obvious that the fetus is determined to stand between you and your smoking enjoyment. We can't allow that! So best to kill it before you get too emotionally attached.
- Gob'Wuxbux

Mr. Gob'Wuxbux,
Goblin ,
Male,
Online Journalist for
New Orker Magazine

advice columns rpg games
advice columns with orks

Prof. Pizpoploop
Ridgeling,
Male,  
Alchemy professor at New Ork University

Sgt. Groptoph,
Ogre ,
Male,
Sergeant in the Orc Imperial Army

#14) Ask Da Orcs

Dear Ask Da Orcs -

Do any of you smoke? I've been a smoker since I was 17. I'm now 28. Recently my wife of 5 years finally became pregnant with our first child (we have been trying for over a year). She is now in her 5th month. 2 weeks ago, out of nowhere, she asks/orders/demands that I quit smoking! What the fuck?!? At first she said it was because she was worried about 2nd-hand smoke hurting the baby. So we asked our Doctor. He said that 2nd hand smoke is NOT dangerous to the baby. So then my wife started saying that the smell was bothering her! It never bothered her before. Now she wants me to smoke outside. When I refused - she started with the waterworks. So now I can't smoke inside my own home! She knew that I was a smoker when we were married - why does she need to wait until now to make a big fucking hairy deal about it!? Now she says i need to quit altogether because she can still smell the smoke on my cloths and hair. She also says that if I quit smoking that I'll live longer - but is that really so great? If I die at age 75 rather then at 90 - that is a good thing because I'm likely to be miserable old man for those last 15 years anyway. Am I right? Who wants to live to be 90?! I am a grown man - if I want to smoke, it should be my decision. Right?

- DigitalDave

5) Response from Prof. Pizpoploop

Dear "DigitalDave": 
     You are an idiot. Smoking shortens your life by accelerating your declining health. The accumulative effects of smoking will manifest themselves long before you reach age 75.
     Even if that was not true - your smoking is having a negative effect on your wife and child's health right now . The smell is making your wife ill and is causing her stress. What is bad for your wife is also bad for your child. Continuing to smoke, under these circumstances, is unforgettably selfish. Be a man!
     Sincerely,
Prof. Pizpoploop

Next Advice
Column ---->

<---- Previous
Advice Column

Orc Magazine's Main Page

Ask Da Orcs
Index Page

Gix,
Gremlin,
Hermaphrodite, 
Freelance Artist

2) Response from Gix:

Gix (the three word Gremlin) says...
Grow... Up... Asshole...

Ms. Shaftfut
Hobgoblin , Female, Cartographer

advice column

Ms. Gunkatuk,
Half-Orc (half-human),
Female,
R.N. at Goblinville Medical Center

3) Response from Gunkatuk

Dear "DigitalDave" -
    This is an excellent opportunity for you to end your nicotine addiction. Here is a short list of online sources that can help you:
http://www.smokefree.gov/quit-smoking/index.html
http://www.quitnet.com/
http://www.lungusa.org/site/pp.asp?c=dvLUK9O0E&b=33566
http://www.onlinestopsmokingtips.com/
http://www.quit4good.com/forums/
- Gunkatuk

personal advice columns

You?

7) Response from Rossterry (Honorary Orc)

Having been pregnant, I can tell you that your sense of smell does change, as well as what smells and tastes can make you feel sick. She also seems to want what is best for you, too.

However, I have also been a smoker (not while pregnant) and I know that you cannot quit unless you want to quit and are ready to quit. Her badgering will not change that.

Try to cater to her during her pregnancy, it is very possible that the smell is bothering her now, even if it didn't before. Don't smoke around her, and if you smoke outside, maybe wear a jacket that you can take off before you come inside. That will help some. You could also keep a little bottle of hand sanitizer and rub it on your hands before you come in. A lot of the smell is on your hands because they hold the cigarettes. The sanitizer might help cover some of that.

I know I'm not an Orc, but I had to jump in because I was extremely sensitive to smells and tastes while I was pregnant. I hope I didn't offend any Orcs.

Rossterry
Human,
Female,  
Honorary Orc

4) Response from Sgt. Groptoph

Keap smoak'n - cuz dat maks ya teeth nice'n yelow... Da woman like dat!!!

6) Response from Ms. Shaftfut
Dear DigitalDave:

Firstly... Being a smelly, selfish, unhealthy pig is a perfectly reasonable lifestyle choice if you are single, childless and work in a light house. But for everyone else - compromises must be made. You stopped being an individual the day you married your wife - you are now one half of a couple. Your wife has the right to tell you how to live your life because she is your WIFE! You are not just a man anymore - you are now a FAMILY man. Act like it!

Secondly... Nicotine is very addictive, and people do get hooked. But like other addictive things, including drugs and alcohol, you can kick the habit if given proper motivation. Here is a list of things you can look forward to if you quit now:
1) Better sex. (Better overall health and increased blood flow will increase your performance in the sack.)
2) Saved money. $2,100.00 a year! (This depends on how much you smoke.)
3) Live longer. (Greatly decreased chance of developing cancer and other shit that will kill your ass.)
4) Better health with more energy.
5) You won't stink. (If it bothers your wife, it probably bothers other people too.) 6) One less fire hazard. (Smoking is one of the leading causes of house fires.) 7) Your wife's gratitude. (Tell her that you are doing it for her and she will owe you big time.)
8) Cleaner house.
9) Whiter teeth.
10) Saved time. (An extra 1 to 2 hours a day you can spend fucking your grateful wife.)

- Shaftfut

Play Orc
Magazine

Would you like to respond?
If you have something helpful or interesting to say to "DigitalDave" please  post it on Our Forum . We will like to hear what you have to say and might add it to this page in the near future.